It’s been a while since I’ve posted an update about John, mostly because there’s been very little to report. He started a new oral chemotherapy drug last week and so far the results have been what we expected and the side effects have been minimal. This drug is supposed to basically shrink his tumors and beat back the cancer temporarily (6-9 months), and the tumor in his groin has shrunk away to almost nothing. The cancer isn’t gone, just in retreat until it can figure out how to circumvent the effects of this drug. We’ve won this battle, but are assured by our doctors that the melanoma cells are far from done fighting…they’re just regrouping and figuring out their new battle strategy. Nonetheless, the “normalcy” of the past month or so has been bliss.
And a little eerie.
For me, anyhow, after living on the cusp of crisis for most of the Summer, I find myself looking over my shoulder now and then, wondering what’s sneaking up on me that I can’t see or hear. I had grown used to feeling helpless (and sometimes hopeless), wondering moment to moment what was next, multi-tasking and trying to keep all the balls in the air while managing all of those feelings. In a post in July I actually called it “the new normal.”
Now we’re back to “the old normal.” It’s great to worry about things like what to make for dinner, how to support my clients, and what I should do next in my business, all proactively instead of reacting moment by moment to the situation at hand. And it’s great to have sweet, “normal” time with my husband and Eli (Sam left for college mid-August, so he’s missing out on all of this normal). I could get used to this, but I probably won’t.
That’s the thing about a terminal diagnosis. It’s like the other shoe, just waiting up there to drop. So I’m learning to let go of needing to control things (if you know me at all, you know that’s a pretty big feat for me) and to just stay present and as happy as possible in this moment right now.
Thanks for your supportive prayers, emails, Facebook messages, and everything else. I appreciate everyone who’s holding us up and am glad to have “nothing to report.” Hopefully it will stay that way for a little while now.