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When you are properly loved by the one who was meant for you all along, you wear that knowledge like a warm coat when you venture out into the world. It makes you who you are and keeps you connected to home. It makes anyplace you are with the one you love your home. I’ve traveled a lot in the 6 1/2 years John and I have been together. For work and for fun. I realized today that, once I found him, I never felt alone when I was on the road. I always knew he was here at home, loving me steadily and completely and supporting me, no matter what I was up to.

It changed the way I moved through the world. It gave me confidence and an ease that I lacked before I met him. He was this amazing person in the world who loved me completely no matter what and who had my back in any situation. Knowing that gave me wings and grounded me, all at the same time.

The one sentence I’ve heard more than any other in the past few months is “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” I’ve thought about that statement a lot in the past week, as I’ve watched John get weaker and thinner and fight to make it through each day and night while his cancer tries to steal every ounce of energy. And I have to agree. I can’t imagine it either.

I couldn’t have imagined the love I have with him. I thought I had dreamed of it, but it’s been oh, so much better than I ever imagined.

I couldn’t have imagined anyone I love so much and had searched for for so long being diagnosed with terminal cancer. That was something that happened to other people. They had my compassion and sympathy but never, in my wildest dreams, would I have thought it would happen to us.

I certainly couldn’t have imagined accepting the reality that I was watching my sweet love die.

And honestly, I can’t imagine the day I will actually lose him. Even though I know it’s coming soon, I can’t imagine it. He is so intertwined in my life that I can’t imagine doing absolutely anything without him. He’s the one I laugh with, love with, consult and process with, confide in, and love to spend time with. He’s my best friend, my lover, the love of my life. No, I can’t imagine losing him.

I realized today that, once he dies, I’ll be walking through the world alone. If I’m traveling, he won’t be there to call at the end of the day to share my adventures. But I do hope with everything I am that I’ll still feel that connection to him, that that warm coat of love that I’ve worn every day since the day I fell in love with him will still connect me to him. That he’ll still somehow be able to give me the answers I need when I need them.

He believes he will. And I’m trying to imagine that too.

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