I-miss-youToday is John’s celebration of life/memorial service. It will be a day filled with many conflicting emotions, as the people who loved him and who still love me and our family gather from far and wide to say goodbye and support us. The shared love and memories and connecting with good friends and many I’ve never met who loved John will make me happy.

And the “official” goodbye will be heartbreaking.

The past two weeks have been the most difficult of my life and I’ve been in a bit of a space of limbo as we’ve prepared for today. Once it’s over, I’ll step into the rest of my life and see where it takes me. I’ll begin the hard work of defining myself as just myself, not John’s wife. It will be, I have no doubt, a challenging, painful, exhilarating, exciting, at times terrifying journey. I have no idea how long it will take or where I’ll end up once it’s over.

For the first time in my life, I’ll be flying by the seat of my pants without a well thought out plan for the next steps in my life (because grief won’t let me make one). I have the innate understanding that this is how it has to be right now but the control freak in me is freaking out a bit.

I do know that I will never be who I was two weeks ago before John died. I’ll be a different (hopefully wiser) me. I’m learning that grief is like the fire that a gold or silversmith uses to refine precious metal. It’s a painful, long process, but the end result is something more beautiful and precious than what you started with. I’m taking this journey, ready or not.

The one fact that I know for certain is that I will never stop missing John. And today I miss him more than I ever imagined I would. #livelikejohnny #lovetrumpscancer

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