I wanted to take a walk yesterday but it poured down rain all day so I never got a chance. I woke up to overcast skies but drying pavement this morning and was feeling optimistic so Lucy and I set off. Within minutes it started sprinkling, but just a little. I was hoping to walk 3 miles and about a mile in, the wind kicked up and it started to rain. Just a little at first but then really hard. It was raining sidewise, the wind blowing big, hard raindrops against my face and skin. I was over a mile away from home and there was nothing to it but to finish my walk.
I was miserable. Cold, wet, and feeling helpless with only a few choices. I could try to find a tree or awning to wait out the squall (who knows how long that would take) or just put my head down and walk as fast as possible toward home.
It struck me as a metaphor for my life at present. Things seem ok and then the wind kicks up and the deluge of grief starts pummeling me. I am helpless to stop it and there’s nowhere to run. The only choice is to walk as fast as I can through the downpour until I reach shelter and can find a bit of my dry center again.
Once I got home I peeled out of my soaking wet clothes, got into a nice hot shower, and sobbed. Because I’m so lonely. Because I miss him so much. Because I have no idea where to run or what to do to feel better. Because it feels like all of my memories are with him and I can’t stop them from flooding in every minute of every day. Because right now those memories bring more pain than joy. Because my happy place was him and I have no idea where to look for it now that he’s gone.
I want a timeline. I want to circle a date on the calendar and know that I’ll only feel this completely horrible until then and after that, getting out of bed will be easy again. I want to feel true happiness for even one minute again, to somehow find a way to climb out from under this overwhelming blanket of sadness and dance in the rain instead of just miserably getting through it.
I know there is no timeline and that eventually a little joy will start to seep back in, a drop at a time. Intellectually I know that. But my heart does not understand. Not at all. #lovetrumpscancer #livelikejohnny