sunset-401541_1280Since John died weekends are long, lonely, and hard. It feels like everyone has a life and people who count on them except me. John and I talked about this very thing before he died. He knew that everyone else in his life, from his kids to his siblings, would have someone there for them, someone to come home to and to live their lives with.

And he knew that I wouldn’t. It hurt him because there was nothing he could do about it. He told me more than once that I had the harder job of the two of us, that if he could trade places with me he would. He said he had no idea how he’d survive if I died. I don’t mind being alone but when it’s for days at a time, it makes me miss him even more. I managed to distract myself with work and solo activities all weekend, but I felt like I was really just marking time to get through the day.

Everyone’s lives go on and the further away you get from the memorial service, the less space your pain and loss takes up in their minds. The calls are less frequent and people stop checking in to make sure you’re all right. We knew this would happen and talked about it as well, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like the world has moved on but I’m stuck.

If you have a significant other count yourself blessed. It means there’s someone there in the middle of the night to soothe you if you have a nightmare. It means you have someone to share everything with, from meals to walks in the park. It means you always have a date on Friday night. It means there’s someone in the world who’s always thinking about you, sometimes worrying about you, and who always has your back. Someone to make plans with and whose needs you consider before you make decisions about your life.

I see couples out and about, on Facebook, or on T.V. and I just want to scream because they have what I had and they have no idea how fragile it is. Don’t ever take your partner for granted. That connection is priceless and the world can be a really lonely place without it. ‪#‎lovetrumpscancer‬‪#‎imissmyhusband‬ ‪#‎livelikejohnny‬

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