Headstone croppedThis morning I was looking at pictures of my happy past. When John was alive, it seemed like we were always on an adventure, always surrounded by fun. Most of the time it was just the two of us but I felt complete, whole.

It dawned on me that, since his death, it feels like I’m a small percentage of who I was with him. Not just half of me feels gone. Most of me feels gone.

How is that possible? The math doesn’t work. How can one person exiting my life feel this lonely. Nothing else has changed. I still have four kids and a loving, supportive family and great friends. But since his death, the pervading feeling in my life is loneliness. No matter who I’m with or what I’m doing, I feel lonely. And when I’m ACTUALLY alone (which is often), other emotions creep in. Despair and fear and anger.

But always loneliness.

Yesterday I went to visit John’s gravestone. He’s not there (literally or, in my opinion, figuratively). He was cremated and most of his remains are still in a box in my coat closet, waiting for warmer weather and the perfect time to scatter them over the Snake River. So it’s just a memorial marker placed in a family plot that he designed to mark his time here on earth. I stood there in that surreal place in that surreal moment and said to my friend, “I certainly never imagined I’d be here at this point in my life.”

Here being alone. After having found the perfect love of my life at the perfect time in my life. And then losing him too soon. It feels brutal and so painful it’s unimaginable. How could he have been so “in” my life one minute and then just gone the next?

I don’t feel his energy around me. I didn’t feel it yesterday at his grave and I don’t feel it now. He must be having a grand time on the other side because he’s obviously too busy to make his presence known to me. Or maybe I’m just in too much pain to recognize him. When people ask me if I can feel him with me it’s like a knife in my heart. Because I can’t. Not when I’m awake. Not when I’m asleep. Not at all.

And his absence is the most lonely feeling I’ve ever experienced. #lovetrumpscancer #livelikejohnny