A year ago today we got the news that John’s small intestine was overrun with tumors and he had exhausted all of the treatment options. The writing was on the wall. He only had months left to live and there was LITERALLY nothing we could do about it. The drive home from Seattle that day was filled with lots of hard conversations about his desires and my needs (and a lot of tears on both of our parts). I remember feeling like I couldn’t breath, would never really breath normally again. Four brutal, almost unbearably sad months later, John drew his last breath and my life changed forever.
I saw this quote on my Facebook memories from a year ago today:
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ~ ~Gilda Radner
I had no idea, this time last year, how very true this quote would be for me. Life does go on and every day it gets easier to breath and laugh and plan for the future. Some days the ambiguity of my current life actually DOES feel delicious, even spacious. Other days (like today), I can’t help but wistfully think back to the plan I THOUGHT I had for my life, with a beautiful man who wasn’t perfect but was perfect for me, who loved me more than I loved myself most of the time, unconditionally and beautifully, who had my back always, and whom I was supposed to laugh and love with until we both grew old and gray.
On days like today, I still feel robbed. #lovetrumpscancer #livelikejohnny