Most of the time, I am completely fine. After almost 19 months, sometimes I go a whole day or two and feel totally normal. But every once in a while I get slammed in the face with realty and it suddenly and instantly sucks the air out of my lungs. Like today as I’m checking in for my first appointment with a new doctor when the receptionist asks my marital status and I have to choke out the answer “Widow.”

And I stand there, silently repeating that label, which still feels so foreign to me, in my head, willing myself not to burst into tears right in front of this perfectly nice girl, part of me desperately wanting to tell her about my husband who died a year and a half ago and how much I miss him, and instead pasting a smile on my face and pulling out my license and insurance card.

I guess it gets easier but it never goes away. And some days it doesn’t feel easier. #theywillneverknow #loveteumpscancer #imissmyhusband #livelikejohnny

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